August 2014
“By the end of rehab, I was a drop of my former self, empty from life’s
cruel injustices. I had fought tooth and nail not to be shipped of to a
remote residential house located 25km outside my local town with no
transport, no friends or facilities there, nothing just two elderly people
in armchairs. Could they really send a 27-year-old woman to that
place? I imagined myself dying there or worse, going mad.
Te idea of living there afer the hospital caused my body to starve
itself to the point of peg feed treats by the doctors. Tis bought me time
and a resultant place in a Cheshire congregated setting, a ten-bedroomed home in a red-brick building in a town setting (the best outcome I could hope for in my position). Here, in a small bedroom, with
a kitchen sink, my own bathroom and a drop of my former independence,
I was given times for getting up, showering, meal times, etc, like a prisoner, except in my case a prisoner of my body.
Night times no longer bothered me as I drifed of into a euphoric
world with the help of two sleeping tablets and multiple anti-anxiety
pills. But mornings came too fast and hard, and every day was like
groundhog day as the harsh reality became even more apparent. For a
split second, before I opened my eyes, I imagined myself jumping out
of bed and going for a brisk morning jog in the crisp fresh air…
Ten I realised where I was and saw the night drainage urinary
bag attached to the tube coming from my bladder. I waited a few moments, took a deep breath and pressed the buzzer, the assistant call button signalling I was ready to start my gruelling two-hour daily
morning routine, 365 days a year.
***
Te above passage sounds like something from a horror movie
or a very bleak book. In fact, it was my frst attempt at writing my
story. I wrote that paragraph eight years ago. I had written it roughly
two months afer I lef the National Rehabilitation Hospital and I
know it is a very grim and morbid piece but my intentions for sharing it are of quite the opposite nature.
It is an extremely hard piece for me to read and even harder for
me to share. At that time, I was in a very low place and had a lot of
pain in my heart. I was going through a grieving process, almost like
a death, but it’s true: time is a healer for all things. I don’t think your
mind ever fully accepts the pain, but you learn to cope.
When I think about this piece, in the context of my life now, as
it’s starting to blossom and doors of opportunity are opening up once
again, I feel relieved that I’ve moved past that phase of my life;
emerging a stronger and braver individual.
For many of us, our proudest achievements come in the face of
the greatest adversity. Our pain ofen makes us stronger, more resilient, more grounded.
Many cancer survivors, for example, report
feeling stronger and more grateful afer winning their battle to survive. Many military personnel report a mental resilience gained from withstanding the dangerous environments of being in a war zone.
Our most radical changes in perspective ofen happen at the tail end
of our worst moments. For those going through a hard time, no
matter what it is, know that the pain will pass, things will get progressively better; just keep going and give it time.
Tings got easier but it took time and I needed to keep the right
outlook. Trust me when I say it was not an easy thing to do. It did
not happen overnight but eventually I reached some equilibrium of
normality, somewhere between the way my body was before and
how it is now. Only then was I able to accept myself for the person I
had become.
A lot of people view acceptance as a form of weakness. They think
that, if they accept what’s happened to them, they’ll be admitting defeat. But it’s the opposite. It’s only by acknowledging certainty that challenging the fear inside is feasible and then you can create a plan
to move forward. Acceptance, as it turns out, is the frst step to overcoming the fear that is holding you hostage to your mind.
‘Te only thing we have to fear is fear itself.’
US President Franklin D. Roosevelt uttered those words in his
inaugural address to the nation on March 4, 1933, at a time when
America was in the depths of the Great Depression. It is a quote that
can inspire anyone who is going through adversity and it has certainly inspired me during the last eight years as I came to accept my changed circumstances. Somewhere along the way, I stopped noticing the stares and the nagging little voice from deep within that flled my mind full of self-doubt and fears.
Nowadays, I just try to manage as best I can, to keep going and
keep doing what I can do – to still fnd heart and drive to overcome
my own problems, and fnd it in myself to try to help others. Tat’s
why I don’t worry now. I just take each day as it comes. I don’t fear
the imaginary because I know I will cope with things as they present
themselves. Te human mind and spirit are strong, unlike the blood
and bones we are constructed from. My journey has made me realise
it is possible to cope with anything life throws at us, that deep within
us we each have the courage and determination to progress if we
choose to.
For those going through a hard time, no matter what it is, know
that the pain will pass, things will get progressively better, just keep
going. As clichéd as it may sound, time is a healer. Just give it time.
You will come out a stronger and braver individual. Tis is my story
of resilience.